The Essence of Romantic Love

There are many kinds of love in the world among human beings, as well as animals. Research and studies are also conducted extensively. The various love also contributes a lot to the literary works and arts in history and today, such as essays, poems, songs, movies, stories, etc. Love is so complicated that it arouses numerous discussions and debates in different cultures. Among the various love types, the romantic love between two persons is the most disputed and the most mysterious. Everyone who ever read or watch Shakespeare’s works Romeo and Juliet is deeply impressed by the love between Romeo and Juliet. The romantic love not only can make a person reborn but also can lead to death. The power of romantic love is beyond imagination. This paper will focus on the nature of the romantic love between two people who meet and become significant others or spouses, and how to make these relationships endure. I believe the romantic love is the fire of souls in people, and it makes people shining and burning. It can make a person the best out of himself. In other words, the essence of romantic love is to make people grow and mature to reach the best point of their lives.

Many people argue that the nature of romantic love is only the effect of some chemicals, such as oxytocin, dopamine, etc. Among these sex chemicals, the oxytocin often makes people feel falling in love. Even if the two individuals never know each other before, they could experience the feeling of love when oxytocin is released by each body through touching, hugging, kissing or making love, etc. In the book A Natural History of Love, author Diane Ackerman pointed out that oxytocin plays a significant role in “romantic love, as a hormone that encourages cuddling between lovers and increases pleasure during lovemaking…The hormone stimulates the smooth muscles and sensitizes the nerves, and snowballs during sexual arousal.” (Ackerman, 163). As a result, a man may date a wrong woman since most of the people are not aware of the chemical reactions. Also, if people fall in love only because of the hormones, they would be happy when hormones are produced at a high level, but they would possibly become uncertain about their relationship when hormones are released at a low level. That uncertainty would finally lead to the breakdown of a relationship. Then it would be difficult to explain why many couples still stay together in harmony though they may not have sex for many years. What’s more, many aged people still can live a happy life with their spouses though their ability to produce hormones decreases. So, love is never such a simple thing. Another study shows that “the ‘love hormone’ doesn’t help women or men ［to identify intimate situations better］… since the ability to correctly identify intimate situations was substantially low among all participants in the study, there is evidence that correctly identifying an intimate relationship between two people is intricate and complicated.” (Nauert) Therefore, the chemical reaction is only a component of love. People are just attracted to each other in the first place because of the chemical effects, which in fact won’t last too long according to some researches.

Another argument for nature of romantic love is that love is the appraisal of certain characteristics. They believe similarities, such as shared experiences and values, play a critical role in romantic love. Shelley implied in the essay On Love that people may have the same feeling or perspective when they have the similar experience and the sympathetic reaction between individuals should be love. “We are born into the world, and there is something within us which, from the instant that we live, more and more thirsts after its likeness.” (Shelley, 2) Seeking the similarities in a person may help people to have the love that belongs to them. However, it is not always true. Everything can change, including the personality characteristics and life experience. “…a confident person can be shattered by an emotional trauma［;］a patient person can become irritable and frustrated through illness or pain.” (Templar, 14) The changes may destroy the relationship one day if love is based on the similarities in life. Moreover, the human world keeps evolving. As the economic globalization, cultural differences and geographical influence become less important in people’s life. A white may marry a black, or an Asian person may marry a white or a black. In their relationships, they understand each other, respect each other and help each other. They care each other and are committed to each other. Both of the two parties benefit from the marriage. Similarities are not that significant to build their romantic love. Sometimes, something different can be a factor attracting each other. Thus, love is dynamic and living. It shouldn’t be confined to some standards. Love makes man and woman learn and grow together. For me, I also prefer something that can continually inspire me and keep me moving forward. I always appreciate the freshness a romantic love gives to me.

There are also some people taking the romantic love as a way for cooperation to breed the next generations. For passing on genes from generation to generation, people work together to develop a relationship and take respective responsibilities. By that, human beings will not die out. This way of collaboration exists for many creatures on the earth. However, love is more rewarding for people because we are with high intelligence. The philosopher Michael Boylan writes that “Love is a powerful motivator for being good. The affective part of the good will is no poor sister to the rational. It can be an effective guide to good action.”

(Boylan, 27). He thinks that “love is an action, and the concept leads us to change and grow as human beings” (Chapman, 25) and “then, that the essence of love is not only to find your soul mate, but it also allows one to be 'good.'” (Chapman, 25) Hence, love is a growth process rather than a response to biological survival needs. Besides that, Moseley argues that romantic love is “a higher metaphysical and ethical status than sexual or physical attractiveness alone” (Moseley) and the idea of romantic love comes from the Platonic views that “love is a desire for beauty-a value that transcends the particularities of the physical body.” (Moseley) Moseley states that “the love of beauty culminates in the love of philosophy, the subject that pursues the highest capacity of thinking” according to Plato. (Moseley) Human is not animals, and we have a greater pursuit for life.

Love is neither a chemical response nor an appraisal for any values. It is also not a means for reproduction. Love is wordless but motivates people. How should it be expressed to make the relationships endure? Before answering that question, we have to understand three things in advance. The two individuals in love will influence each other in many aspects, e.g. ethics, personality, behavior, interest, value, belief, etc. Love is giving and caring whenever it is needed. The lovers should be prepared for every moment. The last one is respect, which enables the partners to have their own time and space to be themselves. After understanding the above three elements, then we come to how to make the relationship lasting. In this paper, three suggestions will be given: to care and act heartedly; to encourage and support; to respect and to be responsible. Next, a detailed explanation of them will be presented.

To care and act heartedly: it will make people feel confident and secure in love when they are cared and responded by the lovers heartedly and honestly. Everyone is independent before she or he meets the other. They have their own personalities, living habits, values, beliefs, etc. After undergoing the first two stages of love, namely chemical reaction and physical interaction, they go to the third stage. At this period, they have to understand further how she or he is and make appropriate adaptations. For example, they may find something in each other that they never know or notice. The consequence can be pleasant or astonishing. The reaction of the lovers will be critical. If the partner really cares about the other, she or he should accept the things that they find. Just be ourselves to tell the other how we feel or how to improve if the findings are not pleasant. We should accept the fact that no one is perfect. Moreover, mostly our mates would appreciate our efforts if we help to make them better. Being authentic in love will make us secure and confident.

To encourage and support: love is positive that can make people learn and grow; by encouraging and helping, people will be more motivated to improve and perfect. Erich Fromm discussed the love essence in his book The Art of Loving that love is constructive for humanity. He believes love is an art. “Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a ‘standing in,’ not a ‘falling for.’ In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.” (Fromm, 15) Giving never means losing. By giving, we will receive the other form of happiness and joys or other feelings. He argued that people may not give the material things to the other, but they can give the most precious part of themselves, such as their joy, interest, understanding, knowledge, humor or sadness, which make them alive. The sharing process is productive for the two lovers in life. Their relationship will also be strengthened further by the mutual support and development.

To respect and to be responsible. It means understanding and obligations in love to respect and be responsible for each other. Everyone was born equal and unique. We are the creatures of nature and our parents. We have our own ancestors and cultures. None of us has the superior rights of the others. The same goes for the different cultures. We have the same right to love and to be loved. Men and women are equal for their social roles. Jobs and responsibilities are allocated based on the competency instead of the gender. The way how we treat people will reflect us to some degree. We should respect others before we can get the same respect from others. We are responsible for ourselves and others before others would also be responsible for us. The mates are the mirror to our behaviors. One can obtain respect only when he or she respects the others. Meantime, being responsible will be conducive to the harmony and endurance in the relationship.

In conclusion, love is so complicated that so many rules and theories about it have been created and discussed. Particularly, the romantic love is a hotly-debated topic that exists in various cultures. The romantic love not only can make a person reborn but also can lead to death. The power of romantic love is beyond imagination. It is necessary for us to understand and grasp the essence of the romantic love to make the society better. It is also meaningful to study the rules and skills of romantic love to be a qualified player in life. Through analysis of the essence of the romantic love in this paper, it can give a clear picture of what is romantic love and how to be a winner in love. The romantic love is the fire of souls in people, inspiring and motivating individuals who get involved. The essence of romantic love is to make people grow and mature to reach the best point of their lives. People will get accomplished in the process of love. The above advice explained might not be perfect and relevant to all cases. But it will be helpful deeply to understand the nature of romantic love. It also can offer some clues that everyone desires to be loved, receiving the recognition, understanding, and encouragement. We all need to grow and be mature, and then love gives us the opportunity. Love provides the chance to get a better understanding of ourselves and others. It can make us fulfill our mission as a human being. However, theories are abstract. The romantic love described in the literary works is only a tip of the iceberg and might be not realistic. We need to put ourselves into more practice to experience, to feel, and to learn. Life could be short, but the love will last forever. Therefore, it is quite rewarding when we fall in love with the right person.